Oh, my God!
Oh, sorry, baby. I was...
You have a nice room. Very nice. It's much nicer than mine.
Which is fine, 'cause you've known your parents longer, but...
This one's much nicer.
So you're awake?
Yes, I've been working on a new strategy.
Thought about it last night, all last night.
Your dad makes me nervous, right?
Things tend to happen to him as a result of my nervousness.
Something's wrong with that trip switch.
Dick, be careful. Sam's urine.
I'm sure I don't know what you're talking about.
That's sweet, love. But it's unnecessary because of my new strategy,
which is just to focus on your mom.
Forget your dad. Your dad's just scary.
My dad's not scary.
Really? The look?
You don't find the look scary?
Not when you do it. No.
Besides, he doesn't give me that look.
He gives it to me all the time.
But your mom's another story.
She obviously has a soft spot for me.
...back, you sick, sick, sick, sick, sick...
What's going on?
That was a minor misunderstanding. That's in the past.
Now, I'm focusing all my energy on her like a tractor beam.
Put my little spell on her, she goes to work on your dad for me.
He falls in love with me, we tell them that we're getting married.
And that I'm pregnant.
And that you're pregnant.
Now, what's a tractor beam, is that a nerd thing?
No, it's not a nerd thing, it's from Star Wars.
Well, yeah, it's a nerd thing.
That's gotta be my sister.
All right, buddy, let's go. Scotty, no! Yeah, we're here!
Slow down. Scotty, be quiet, it's morning!
Okay, so this is it. You're meeting a lot of my family this week.
Are you ready? I'm ready.
I'm ready to do this.
Plus, if I strike out with your mom, I can take a run at Sarah.
Ew, that sounds like you're trying to hook up with my sister.
Well, if that's what it takes to get your family to like me.
There's a sweatshirt I haven't seen in a while, and a sandwich.
Honey?
I'm pregnant. I don't feel like cleaning up.
If that's a symptom, then I think you've been pregnant
ever since I've known you.
I feel like I'm going to throw up. That's new.
No, right now. Oh, morning sickness?
Wait, wait, do this. No, don't do that. Wait.
Go. Boom.
Ah!
Whoa!
Oh, honey, I'm sorry.
All right, I'll take care of this.
I'm going to go brush my teeth.
Yeah, and your hair a little bit.
Well, look who slept in, Miss Pajamas! Must be nice.
Sarah, hi. How was the trip down?
My boobs are exploding and I have to go pump.
Hmm, still sticking with that style, huh? Okay.
You weren't going to use the bathroom, were you?
Great.
Oh, good, Sam. I was looking for that exact vase.
Sarah brought these. Aren't they gorgeous?
Oh, they are. I was looking for you, too, 'cause I wanted to use this.
For what?
I'm going to, uh, fill it with pennies.
You ever do the penny thing, where people put pennies in it,
and then they'd guess how many pennies are there?
And then the winner gets the pennies.
May I have it?
Uh, yeah.
Oh, God, what's in there? Vomit.
My stomach's been all...
I didn't want to bother you guys with it.
It's probably something I ate.
Something you ate?
You've been here two days, all you've eaten
are the meals that I've fixed for you.
Is something wrong with my food?
Oh, no, no, Angela. Your food is great. I love your food.
Except when it makes you vomit.
That's...
Well, I guess I will be making a run at your sister.
I thought that was Mel.
Have you seen Mel? I'm sorry. I'm Sam, by the way.
Could you please leave? Get out.
Oops, I know, this rug does this. Out!
Ow! I do not care about the mat.
You freak, get out!
Uh, I'm very sorry. What are you doing?
Get out!
Now, Angela, I don't know how I feel about
you putting flowers in my vomit receptacle.
I brought that specifically for vomiting.
Just kidding. They look very pretty.
Thank you, Sam. Are you feeling better?
Yes, much. Thank you very much. 100%. Ready for breakfast.
Now, you get in that kitchen and you make me breakfast, woman.
Well, that was very nice.
Oh, please. Not my organic Braeburns.
The green apples are overripe, they're mealy. They'll be fine with those.
Yes, there you are. Yes, that's my boy.
Jeez.
Get a room, you two.
I'm with you, Sam. I don't know what he sees
in those nasty little creatures.
You know, they'll peck you if you put your finger in there.
Deep down, she likes 'em.
Wow, that's huge. They eat big fruit like that?
Well, this guy'll eat anything. Fruits, vegetables, caramel corn.
I just love to spoil you on your birthday, don't I, big guy?
Listen to yourself, it's embarrassing.
Oh, you're just jealous.
How about you, Sam, you a bird guy? Oh, yeah.
Mmm! Really?
Well, not the kind you think,
because I've been on both sides of that story, so...
What? One second.
I think Mel's looking for me. I'll be right back with you guys.
I'm almost finished with my famous cheese and avocado omelet.
Who would like one?
Ooh, count me in, I would love one.
What are you doing? You don't like avocado.
It's fine. She doesn't think I like her cooking. I want her to get over it.
Scrape it off or something.
Oh, for God sakes. There's been another break-in.
Right on Amesbury Road.
That's the fifth house this month. This guy has a lot of nerve.
I bet you'd like to get him into your courtroom, huh?
Send him to the electric chair?
Send him to the electric chair for burglary?
Oh, no, not literally to the... I meant like, you know, the old expression.
Send him to the electric... It's an expression.
No, it isn't.
Oh, that's a look.
You see? That's what I'm talking about.
The omelets are ready.
Mmm! Oh, look at all that avocado.
I think, just to be safe,
I might run into town after breakfast
and get a motion sensor for the outdoor lights.
Sam, here's your omelet. Let's hope this doesn't upset your stomach.
Are you kidding? This is exactly what my stomach needs.
Grandma, Grandpa, it's me! I'm hungry. ANGELA: Oh, hi!
Look who it is! Good morning.
Hey, you've met Sam before, right?
Yes.
And you, get over here. I'm really sorry.
Hey, Auntie Mel!
Oh, my God, you're huge.
What are you doing to him? Is she stretching you?
Hey, Scotty, maybe while I'm in town, I can grab some rope,
and you and I can fix up that old swing. What do you say?
Yeah.
You know what, Dad? Research shows rope swings are very dangerous.
Oh, Sarah, come on, we were on that thing all the time as kids.
Hey, if it weren't for the rope swing,
where would you have had your first kiss?
Mel, there is a child in the room.
Or your second or third or fourth first kisses? Sarah was a slut.
Oh, Melanie. Melanie!
I bet you weren't a slut.
What's a slut?
"What's a slut?" I thought you had his... The earmuff thingies on.
A slut is...
Well, you're going to like 'em, I can tell you that.
I'm sorry.
I got to go to the rest room anyway, so I'll be right back, guys.
Can I... Do you mind? I'll go.
What?
Hey, guys.
Feel these. No. No, absolutely not.
No, I need you to do this. No.
They're like rocks. And ever since Abby got some teeth,
my nipples are torn to shreds.
Well, I could just talk about my daughter's breasts all day,
but I think I'll use this opportunity to walk into town.
Dad, I got more to say about my boobs. You're going to wanna hear it.
Girls, girls, girls. My ladies have a story.
You all sound like a couple of airline pilots.
I, too, like boobs.
Like, even up in the bathroom?
I'm really sorry about that. I'd never seen one of those machines and it scared me.
I'm just teasing you. I know you're not a pervert.
I'm not, really, and I think breastfeeding is a natural and beautiful thing.
Always have. Hmm.
Think I'm going to like this one, Mel.
He's a good one, huh?
Oh, God, I need a nap. Mom, do you think you can watch Scotty?
Oh, yeah, of course, dear. I do need to polish this silverware.
Would he enjoy doing that with me?
You know what? I think I'll just stay up and take care of him myself.
I just can't wait till Chad gets here. Well, I'll watch him.
Oh, yeah, sure, that'd be great.
You know, the last time she watched him,
I found him eating crayons and cutting up a carpet.
Come on, we'll be fine.
Okay, but you cannot just be the fun aunt, okay?
'Cause then I'm the one left picking up the pieces.
No, no, I won't be any fun. I'll be just like you.
Well, thank you.
All right, Sam, you watch her, I trust you.
Okay.
So, Sam, how did you like your omelet?
Hated it.
Joking, one of the top 10 omelets in my life.
And yes, I've been to France.
Where are you going? Gotta keep my eye on you. Sarah said.
Oh, you feeling pretty cocky now, huh?
Saw that? She trusts me, right?
And your mom likes a guy with a big appetite!
Oh, yeah! What did you do with that omelet, by the way?
What sink or toilet did you clog with avocado?
No, it's awesome. I wanted to make friends with your dad's birds,
so I fed them the avocado.
Oh, no. Sam, tell me you didn't feed the avocado to the birds.
Why? They eat fruit. It happens all the time.
One of them gobbled it up right away.
Avocado's toxic to birds.
No, it's... Of course it is.
I'm so sorry.
Sir? Afternoon.
Okay, hi. I just need a bird.
Oh, I'm sorry, we don't have any birds here. What?
Kidding, okay? They're all for sale.
Except this guy, and you don't want him anyway.
Because he's a pain in my ass!
Get off the perch! I am your master!
So, what kind of bird do you want?
It's... I don't know what they're called.
Parrot? Cockatiel? Canary? Ooh, falcon?
I'm kidding. I don't have a falcon, it's illegal.
I have a falcon.
Listen, it's just... It needs to look like that, please.
Oh, my... Dude, what is the matter with you?
Whoa!
It's the death drill. This is a magician.
Fake dead bird, right?
Say right. Right!
Yes, yes. Carry on, huzzah, huzzah.
Seriously, bro, why are you carrying this around?
I'm just...
I'm having a lot of trouble,
you know, letting it go.
I get that. It's cool.
Yeah. Hold on. I think I got something for you.
Really?
What?
Okay, how about Tomas?
That is perfect. Can you just put that in a bag for me?
In a bag? Just go ahead and put that right in the bag.
Tomas in a bag. Bag's $50 extra.
For the bag?
Put some holes in it, okay?
Okay. Thank you.
Sam? Dick!
Why are you... I didn't even see you there.
What? Is everything... I didn't even...
We're both at a bird store, which is weird.
Well, actually, it's not weird. I own birds.
Why are you here?
I didn't even know it was a bird store when I came in. It was one of those deals.
Hey, you know, it might be a good thing that you're here.
I don't think so.
These motion sensors are a lot heavier than I thought they would be.
I was going to call Angela to come and pick me up,
but maybe I can get a ride with you.
Nope. What?
I mean, there's... I'm parked so far away.
As far away as the house?
Just about. I mean, it's pretty far away.
I'd really appreciate if we just...
Yeah, but let's do this, though, because that will be good for you.
Who's that?
That is your mom.
And that is me. I was cuter. And that...
Is Uncle David. Yeah.
He's coming to Grandpa's birthday party.
Oh, no, honey, I wish he were. He's still working in Africa.
He's right. David's coming. What?
But I told you not to tell anybody, Scotty. It's a surprise.
Sorry. Chad and I arranged it.
That's so great. Dad's going to be thrilled.
I know. How thoughtful are we?
Can I help you with that?
Yeah. It's totally broken, though.
There you go.
Oh, my God. Please tell me you did not give him jellybeans.
Oh! Because he goes crazy when he has a lot of sugar.
Oh, no, he just had a couple.
I've had 48.
And we worked on counting.
And Abigail's up. Perfect timing.
Um, you know what, Scotty?
Why don't you keep having fun with fun Aunt Mel, and I'm gonna go get her.
So, he's all yours. Good luck.
Don't need it.
Oh, and the sugar rush and meltdown should be starting about now.
Have fun. We're doing fine.
Tag. You're it.
Scotty!
Oh!
Hey, how'd you do?
Good, you?
Just super.
All right, yeah, here we go.
Here we go. Oh, here we go.
All right, and...
Mission accomplished. Oh! No, you don't.
There.
Sam.
Huh?
All right, there, right? Beginning of Piano Man.
I got to work on it, though.
You know, I wouldn't normally ask this,
but I could really use some help out there.
Yeah, definitely, I want to help. Yeah, just go away
outside and I'll get... I'll come to you after I go to the bathroom.
Okay.
I'm sorry. I didn't see you guys there.
Oh, Sarah, cover up.
Oh, no, I'm fine, Mom.
Well, you're going to make Sam uncomfortable.
No, he's fine, too.
He's very progressive about breastfeeding. Aren't you, Sam?
Yeah, big fan. Love it.
It's not... It's not what you think. It's not my...
Guys, these pants. Trust me.
Sam.
I can really use that help now if you're up for it.
Yeah. Oh, yeah, he's up for it all right.
Please don't think that was... Yes, it was.
I'll explain.
I just need you to hold this ladder steady.
Okay.
That light's a little more complicated than I thought.
The instructions were confusing.
They didn't supply all the necessary hardware
And I had to run power from the house.
You know, most thieves, they'll just take off
if they think someone can look out the window and see them.
You want to hand me that fixture?
Yeah, no problem.
Okay. Thank you.
You know, I think you'd want to use two hands there.
I got it. I got it.
All right.
Yeah.
I need a Phillips-head.
Oh, is that a... A screwdriver.
Uh, this... This one?
Yeah. That one. The funny head one.
Sam, what are you doing down there? Hold the ladder.
I was making sure you had a... I was looking around,
'cause if I was a burglar, I'd probably...
Yeah, just hold the ladder.
Well, I think that that is about it. How'd you even do that?
Hey! Come on, easy there. Sorry.
Thanks for your help. I'll see you later.
Hey.
How'd the clown tryouts go?
It was the only way I could get Scotty to stop drawing on the couch.
What's the matter with you?
Oh, you don't even want to know.
Had a bird in my pocket, there was an erection misunderstanding,
so I punched it in the face and killed it.
Oh, no!
He's never going to let me marry you.
No, he can't do that, I don't think.
What happened to my bird?
There it is. Be strong.
Jeckyl's gone. Dick.
Dad, I'm so sorry.
I was... I opened the cage to play with the birds and...
And one of them flew out the window.
I'm really sorry.
Oh, please don't look at me like that.
Just try to be more careful next time, honey.
And wash your face.
Oh, my God, I got the look.
I told you.
You're on your own from now on.
All right, thanks, honey.
I owe you one big time.
Oh, hey, you're up.
Hi.
You got a big enough sandwich, then.
You shut up, I'm pregnant.
I thought I'd go bury the bird.
Mmm.
Look at all of this stuff.
Oh, my God.
And this is just the pump. What if I can't do this?
What, breastfeed? You got them.
No, be a mom.
Are you kidding me? You're going to be the best mom ever.
All right? We're going to do this together.
Well, we're not going to do that together.
Yes, we are.
Oh, good.
You don't think I'll do it? I'm going to do it.
Oh, okay, Sam, no. You don't have to. Sam.
Can't be that bad. All right, turn this baby on.
Do it.
Are you ready? Go, go, go, go.
Oh, it sucks.
This really hurts.
In a very interesting way. Turn it up, to 10 or nine.
Okay.
Think I could maybe use that when you're done?
Ow!
Thanks.
I broke it.
I'll go talk to her.
Yeah, you want some more, huh, burglar man?
You picked the wrong house, buddy.
Hey, guys, hey, guys! Mel, Mel. Get it on up, honey.
Hey, hey, guys, I got something, I got something.
Family downstairs. Dick, Dick!
This had better be good.
Oh, trust me, it's good.
You know the burglar that's been terrorizing the neighborhood?
Well, you're not going to have to worry about him anymore.
Oh, no!
Oh, Sam.
Oh, honey, don't worry about me. Believe me, he got the worst of it.
I don't think you've met my brother, David.
Surprise.
What happened? I forgot my keys.
Are you okay, David?